January 2, 2023

Anxiety courses through my body and my brain. I feel like a failure and yet I know that is not true. 

But still, those feelings persist. 

“I hate my life” the words come unbidden to my mouth. Yet how could I even think that? I know the truth is I have an amazing life.

I have a wonderful wife, a brilliant daughter, and a beautiful home. I have everything I could possibly need. 

Yet I feel lost. Adrift in my own anguish and self-loathing. How could I feel so much disdain and distrust of myself?

I see all the horror in the world, while I live in a place where peace is abundant, war a distant tremor. Famine, disease all these things faced by others. And for me, my biggest problem is I live in chaos and my house needs the renovation completed. 

How the fuck can I even consider having the anxiety and pain I have. Pain is a part of it. my back aches constantly and I feel lost in a cycle of pain and poor health. 

A year ago I was writing my novel and now I’ve stopped writing. Is that part of why I feel such disconnect? 

Is it ego that leads me to a place of despair? I certainly should be able to succeed in life. Yet I am not happy with myself. It’s as if the world and all its problems weigh upon me. But the world isn’t my problem. It is my brain that works against me. 

I ask myself, am I crazy?

I must be to nit appreciate every moment of every day.

So I sit and type away, hoping for some semblance of calm. 

My dear friend came to help me yesterday and we got an entire wall of the house completed. It felt good, yet was tempered by the fact I forgot to go to work. My rational mind tries to justify it. But sleep escaped me. Every time I closed my eyes I saw myself missing the day of work. 

But my friend gave up his day and helped work on the house in beautiful weather. No one died, no one got hurt and I got things done. 

Still, I hated myself for missing work. Hate is such a strong word. A negative word A word I do not want to use. Especially about myself. 

It’s time to change the way I live. Time to change the way I think. Time to set some positive goals and find a better connection with myself.

IStep one is to clear my head. I’ve been drinking too much lately and smoking too much. My brain is in a fog and I need to lift it. Find balance and clarity. 

Swimming and skiing are two things I can do to get my body moving again.

Eating healthy and looking at the good in life.

It’s not easy.

My wife just read some daily affirmations to me. I like the idea, can I do it? Change is not easy, but neither is life. Anything worthwhile is hard.

Today’s daily affirmation is – I am enough. Life is good. 

We will go to Big White today and breathe the mountain air. Perhaps skiing will help me connect with nature and I can begin the process of healing my scattered mind.