May 3, 2022 Goodbye Louise

Louise lay in her bed, too weak to move. When would this life be over so she could have an end to the pain?

End to all the pain. 

She was at peace with herself. She hoped her kids would be at peace with her as well. She loved them but it was too much. It had been so intense when she saw them last. She’d said her goodbyes to them.

Now it was time to take care of her own needs.

It was time to let go. She knew they would have a hard time letting her go. So she did what she thought was best.

Best for her anyway.

Three days ago the social worker came to her with the paperwork. When did the idea first come to her? She’d talked about it months ago. That seemed like a lifetime ago. Did she want to end her life on her own terms? Did she want to just take an injection and let it fade to black?

At the time she didn’t want to. When did it become the time when she felt she needed to? 

She’d done everything she could. Louise had finished her birthday calendar for her grandkids and her kids. She saw everyone who mattered.

How long would she just hang on? 

How long would her heart keep beating even after her mind stopped functioning? She didn’t want to find out. She could no longer dress herself, the indignity of it all was wearing on her. How long until she could no longer think for herself? 

So she made the decision to end her life on her own terms.

It was the only thing she could control anymore. Everything felt so out of control lately. Control – what a charged word, filled with angst and opportunity. All her life she tried to maintain control. Now she could no longer control her own body.

A body that let her down.

Or was it the other way around? Did she let her body down? She knew that she made mistakes when she was younger. Young and foolish. Drugs and alcohol took their toll on her. The streets of Vancouver held her down until one day she challenged herself to do better. It was hard but she was free and became a different person.

In the end, she knew the mistakes she made would come back to haunt her. Hep C had wreaked its toll on her. The doctors warned her the liver was susceptible to cancer.

It couldn’t happen to her, could it?

It did.

Cancer, damn cancer. Her Mom had survived breast cancer, she could survive this… 

But she couldn’t. 

They told her that her white blood cell count was too low. She wouldn’t survive the surgery. So she lived her last days the best she could. She made peace with herself, she was so lucky to have her partner Jo – she was her rock.

It was time to take care of her own needs.

Louise was so very tired. The pain was kept at bay by all the meds. But the meds were getting stronger and her mind was getting weaker. 

How much longer?

The doctor came and they talked. She was ready, ready to let go. Assisted dying didn’t sound so bad anymore. She was going to die soon anyway. Why not take control of when that would happen. It would save so much grief for everyone if she just got it over with. 

The doctor told her they could do it the next day. 

The next day? So soon? She did say to do it as soon as possible. Everything was ready, her celebration of life was planned out. Louise wondered if she would be able to watch it from wherever she was going. She laughed to herself, that would be kinda cool if she could look down on everyone. She didn’t really believe that was possible. 

What did she believe?

Was there a tunnel with a bright light at the end? Would she come back in another life? She didn’t think this was the end, there had to be something more. Somewhere for her spirit and soul to go.

When she woke up she talked to her kids one last time. Her son called and she answered – it was so hard. The hardest thing was saying goodbye. She sensed he wanted to be there with her. But she wanted to be alone, just her and Jo and her minister Karen. One last prayer and one final goodbye.

The doctor came into the room and asked if she was ready, did she want to change her mind?

She was ready. She couldn’t change her mind, this was it.

She didn’t feel the injection when it came into her arm. She held Jo’s hand and smiled. “I love you…”

She heard the last prayer from her minister in the distance. It was so peaceful.

So dark.

Slowly, quietly the darkness overcame her. Peace enveloped her.

Louise began her final journey beyond – to seek the truth…

***

At 1:00 pm on May 3, 2022, my birth mother surrendered her battle with cancer and ended her life on her terms.

Goodbye Louise, be at peace, we love you.