November 14, 21, Cat’s Story

Cat had it all.

It was a future bright with potential. She had her new condo at Big White, a season pass, and she looked forward to a winter full of adventure and fun on the snow. She had a life full of joy, winter on the mountain and summer at the cottage.

Then in an instant, it was gone.

She stumbled with the simplest tasks. Her left hand was now “the claw.” Fuck, fuck, fuck. Why, why, why?  In less than a month Cat went from a vibrant woman preparing for a long retirement to someone who couldn’t dress herself.

What the hell did she do to deserve this?

Cancer. 

The fucking C-word. “Sorry” she sighed to her friends, “I don’t mean to swear so much”. But why shouldn’t she swear? 

Angry, hurt. 

Devastated.

Sixty-two years old and a death sentence now faced the vivacious, loving woman. Skiing this winter was out of the question. Living to see another winter was the goal.

What kind of goal was that?

Her brain was wracked. Cat’s mind was being attacked by fuckin Cancer. It happened so fast.  It’s so unfair. If it wasn’t for her ex-husband, God bless his soul, she would be completely lost.

Her friends came to see her for a weekend in Vancouver. When Cat asked Kaydee and her family to come for a visit she never dreamed it would be under these circumstances. She wanted to be the host with the most and have them hang out, maybe go to the beach. Or go for a walk. 

Now walking down the stairs was a challenge. 

They tried surgery and it didn’t get all of the invasive cells out of her brain. Now they wanted to start chemo. Every day a Dr, a nurse, homecare. Then Chemo, her beautiful hair -oh her hair…. it will all be gone. Not to mention her pride. Pride. What the fuck is pride anyway? 

She tried to be pragmatic. The doctors wanted to offer hope. But what could they really do? She would do everything she could to set things in order before she was gone. 

“Imagine that,” Cat’s howled in mocking irony, “I’m worth more dead than alive…”

She is worth far more alive than dead.

The claw, she called it, her left side was partially paralyzed. Her heart and soul were paralyzed and broken. It’s all she could do to keep herself together mentally. God she wished she could get it back physically. 

Couldn’t she have her own John Coffey come and take away her cancer? The Green Mile was a movie she wished could come true. Couldn’t someone, something, anything come to take away her pain, take away the biological invasion that was taking over her world.

Couldn’t she just wake up and it would all be normal again? Covid was bad enough, she couldn’t go to her cottage in Point Roberts USA. She didn’t need a job, but what else could she do with covid closing the border and nowhere to go.

So when covid started she went back to work, so much for retirement when there is nothing to do anyway. Why not go back to work? At least they had a benefit plan and disability insurance.

Thank God for small blessings.

Cat couldn’t go to Point Roberts anymore, so she turned her attention to Big White and a new beginning. Who knew when the border would open again? The pit in her stomach consumed her. She loved her new little suite on the edge of the run. It would be so epic…

It would never be.

She was being consumed from within. And every day, every step was a new challenge. Big White was like a dream. 

Why couldn’t she wake up from the nightmare that she was living and the dream of Big White could be the reality?

Her friends asked her about insurance on her ski pass. She couldn’t bear to think about her season’s pass, Cat just wanted to let it go.

Cat wanted to find a way to let it all go. To be whole again.