Sept 7-9

Like slits in a pastel canvas, his eyes peaked up at me. With a flash, a revelation, they opened and I saw the soul of my brother once more.

My friend was in there, I knew he was in there. It was a wash of relief upon me when I saw his eyes open. He looked at me with a startled expression, one that said: ‘What the fuck are you doing here?’ Then I saw a look of relief, of comfort. He knew he was not alone. His internal battle raged on, but he was no longer battling alone. He had an ally, a buddy, someone beside him.

My brother from another mother had surgery last week. Unfortunately, his body was weakened by a lifelong battle with diabetes. His tired and battered body has shut down, and his mind has retreated inside itself. Only recently he has shown signs of his mind coming back.

In the coronaverse they are only letting one person per day in to see patients in KGH. I found out they are only letting family members in to see people that are at the end of life. My friend, my brother, is in such a state, they have allowed me in to see him. I don’t care if it took a white lie to get in. I am his brother in ways that I am a brother to no other. I hope they can save him. I am there to give him love, to let him know he is not alone.

As he struggles for each breath I feel helpless, I want him to be free of pain, to have his struggle subside. I am torn inside myself. Am I selfish to want my friend to come back to us, to survive? I held his hand and told him we want him to live. The aching question that crushes my mind is – does he? He refused his breathing mask; he said to let him die. I said I couldn’t do that, he is too young. At Fifty-seven he has many years of life ahead. I am not ready to let him go. Inside I am terrified he is ready to let go. His eyes cleared and he looked at me. I asked him one more time to try the mask, one more time to try to live.

He looked at me with a strange clarity in his eyes,” let’s do this.” And he allowed the mask to be fit on his face. In that moment I knew he was ready to fight on a little longer. He was ready to live.

I hope he can carry on his fight for life. He lies in a place I would not want to go. Clinging to life I pray for his family, I pray he can come back and enjoy life once more. I hope with all my will that my brother can come back to us and be my first mate on my boat. I hope that it is not for my selfish reason to see him live – I want him to live for himself and live a full and happy life. Most of all I want him to be free of all the pain.