May 3

We walked down our front street breathing in the fresh spring air. It felt like a pause in the race life has become lately. I have been busier at work than I have been in almost two years. My job rigging swing stage has exploded and life is suddenly going at full speed.

Stop the world I want off.

So honey and I walked to the local Mexican place looking for a connection. We were looking to pause and find some sanity. It’s like after the covid pause of 2020, 2021 is making up for lost time.

Getting up at 6 and going to work for 730 has become the norm again and suddenly time to write is fleeting. Walks on our street are few and far between and time off has been reduced to hours and minutes.

And it’s not just me that feels this way. 

I see more people at the job site with looks of stress and anxiety etched on their faces. Maybe because I am working on a job that has pressure to be completed I have met more people in a hurry than usual. But even at the store and in the bank I get a sense of chaos as people are going flat out. In the past year, I thought we learned to slow down, to appreciate nature. Now that appreciation has been reduced to evenings like this when I left my phone at home and my wife and I walked to the restaurant for dinner.

It was a welcome escape, I had to consciously let go of all the things I am supposed to do. Hovering over my mind is a list that keeps growing. A list of things left undone. Time is no longer on my side.

I need to find my way again and slow down the manic pace of life. A pace that is not sustainable in the long term. It leaves me with a feeling of emptiness and dread. I know I am lucky to be working, I just wish I felt lucky. 

As we wandered back up our street to our house on the hill I couldn’t help but look at the grass and the yard with a feeling of mixed emotions. Last year all I had to worry about was mowing the lawn and planting the garden. Despite the viral cloud hanging over the world life was good. Life is still good, but now the garden and the lawn feel more like chores to be dread not jobs to be enjoyed. 

I will find a way to reconnect with nature. I will find a balance again. I have to.